… what I didn’t tell you.


Yesterday was Willy’s 5th birthday and I’m still in shock to be honest. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that a.) I am the mother of a five year old. And, b.) my baby is no longer a baby. He’s becoming fiercely independent and he no longer needs me for certain things. For example: He can put on his own jacket and socks, and depending on the shoes, he can put his own shoes on as well. He can order for himself in a restaurant (he did it last night), and it just blew me away. 

Image

Willy’s best girl E gives the greatest hugs.

I wasn’t expecting that. Maybe I underestimate him.

He can tell me in some detail about his wants and needs, but most importantly, he can tell me how he feels. This was not the case last year, I can assure you! But what I want to tell you, was that I left out a few details from yesterday’s birthday bonanza. Last night, as I sat and watched my now “big 5 year old boy” tearing into his birthday gift from his best girl E and her mommy and daddy, I suddenly got an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I decided to not share my feelings with my husband or friends, because I didn’t want to ruin the moment. But as I watched my little man, I got incredibly sad that he is now officially five years old, and he’s still in a pull-up. We are making some progress on the potty training front, but I really expected him to be fully potty trained by now. My boy is either not getting the importance of potty training, or that he is SO stubborn, that he’s going to dig his heels in, and go in adulthood in a pull-up.

that emotion is still pretty raw right now but I’ll get over it eventually. 

I didn’t tell you that even though my husband and I so badly want another child, I just can’t bring myself to surrender to the reality of that Willy is going to be an only child. I can’t possibly put myself through this journey again with another child (if it were to happen), and the fact that it would hurt too dam much, is just too much to convey. It’s a shitty feeling.

I didn’t tell you how I truly feel about his developmental delay. His doctor told me last year that he will outgrow it one day, and that he’ll just be “immature” for the rest of his life, and I can live with that, but it still sucks and I hate it! I almost feel like my son is being robbed of his childhood by extreme frustration that he experiences daily, and if I could just take that away from him and put it on my shoulders, I would. I just want to give my boy a break for once in his young life! But since I can’t I just have to keep up with advocating for him, keeping track of his doctor’s appointments, and medication dispensation. I honestly feel like I’ve earned my master’s degree in motherhood 101 right about now. How about you? Yeah, I bet you have as well.

But what I really didn’t tell you, was that before bed last night, Willy and I were snuggling and I asked him if he had a nice birthday. He was tired, but he mustered a very quiet “yes.” I asked what his favorite part of his birthday was, and he said “the restaurant.” With a quiet chuckle, I asked “was there anything else that you liked?” And he said… “I love you.” That was all I needed! There was no way that he could have said that on his own last year on his birthday, but the fact that he said it to me first with out me saying it first was HUGE for him! Those three little words summed up everything for me. Jason too. I am one proud Momma right now!

And with that, I give you the sweetest birthday picture on earth. I posted it above. 🙂 Happy hump day.

7 thoughts on “… what I didn’t tell you.

  1. Love the photo, and yay for him ordering his own food! Sometimes it’s the littlest things.
    Soo….pull-ups….I will tell you what a wise friend once told me….He will NOT go off to college wearing pull-ups. That being said, I totally get your frustration. Both my boys had issues, the oldest moreso than the youngest. Little Man *just* got out of nighttime pull-ups two years ago (he’s 10). Big Man had daytime accidents (thankfully only twice at school) until third grade. It’s a long road, but he WILL get there. Hang in there…he needs you, but that too gets better. I’ve been shown a few “end results” from parents of early-20’s, high-functioning spectrum kids. It’s amazing, and gives me hope.

  2. Hi Jill I totally understand all of your feelings and I love reading your blog because you are very honest about everything. So I am going to say there is one thing that always gets to me when people who have a child on the spectrum or with any cognitive delay and that is this thing with never having another child. I don’t understand it and I know it is personal and different for everyone but this is just my opinion and something that drives me crazy. My oldest is autistic and it is pretty severe I also have 3 more children two were planned one not and none have developed autism or any other delay. I understand the statistics that are thrown around but there is no definitive proof that a person will have multiple children with the same problem. I find it sad that fear keeps people from expanding their families and giving their children a sibling when I think siblings are the greatest gifts for children on the spectrum. Jack will never be alone he will always have back up and my other kids have forced him to be a part of the world and I swear he is better for it. I won’t lie and say it is all roses and sunshine but I wouldn’t change a thing because in the end not only is Jack better for it but his siblings are more empathetic, kind and loving to the world as well as being jacks fiercest protectors and cheerleaders! Like I said I am in no way judging or saying my feelings are the right feelings but it is something that has always rubbed me the wrong way and made me very sad.

    • Thank you Sarah for your honesty. The truth is, is that it’s the fear of not knowing what the future will bring is keeping me on the “safer side.” I just don’t think my heart could take any more hurt.

  3. Oh mama! I can relate to so much of this. And I also have hope after reading it! Hope for my son Cooper and that some day he may say ‘I love you’ to me. I can imagine. I know what it’s like to keep the feelings to yourself. And I SO get being sad and happy at the same time. Love your posts and your story!

    • Thank you so much for saying that. A mixed bag of emotions follows me where ever I go… usually, but it’s also up to me to choose my own attitude. Sometimes it’s harder than others but now, I can see my attitude/emotions affecting my boy, so keeping Otto myself at times is my only option. You know what I mean?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s