Yesterday was Willy’s 5th birthday and I’m still in shock to be honest. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that a.) I am the mother of a five year old. And, b.) my baby is no longer a baby. He’s becoming fiercely independent and he no longer needs me for certain things. For example: He can put on his own jacket and socks, and depending on the shoes, he can put his own shoes on as well. He can order for himself in a restaurant (he did it last night), and it just blew me away.
I wasn’t expecting that. Maybe I underestimate him.
He can tell me in some detail about his wants and needs, but most importantly, he can tell me how he feels. This was not the case last year, I can assure you! But what I want to tell you, was that I left out a few details from yesterday’s birthday bonanza. Last night, as I sat and watched my now “big 5 year old boy” tearing into his birthday gift from his best girl E and her mommy and daddy, I suddenly got an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. I decided to not share my feelings with my husband or friends, because I didn’t want to ruin the moment. But as I watched my little man, I got incredibly sad that he is now officially five years old, and he’s still in a pull-up. We are making some progress on the potty training front, but I really expected him to be fully potty trained by now. My boy is either not getting the importance of potty training, or that he is SO stubborn, that he’s going to dig his heels in, and go in adulthood in a pull-up.
that emotion is still pretty raw right now but I’ll get over it eventually.
I didn’t tell you that even though my husband and I so badly want another child, I just can’t bring myself to surrender to the reality of that Willy is going to be an only child. I can’t possibly put myself through this journey again with another child (if it were to happen), and the fact that it would hurt too dam much, is just too much to convey. It’s a shitty feeling.
I didn’t tell you how I truly feel about his developmental delay. His doctor told me last year that he will outgrow it one day, and that he’ll just be “immature” for the rest of his life, and I can live with that, but it still sucks and I hate it! I almost feel like my son is being robbed of his childhood by extreme frustration that he experiences daily, and if I could just take that away from him and put it on my shoulders, I would. I just want to give my boy a break for once in his young life! But since I can’t I just have to keep up with advocating for him, keeping track of his doctor’s appointments, and medication dispensation. I honestly feel like I’ve earned my master’s degree in motherhood 101 right about now. How about you? Yeah, I bet you have as well.
But what I really didn’t tell you, was that before bed last night, Willy and I were snuggling and I asked him if he had a nice birthday. He was tired, but he mustered a very quiet “yes.” I asked what his favorite part of his birthday was, and he said “the restaurant.” With a quiet chuckle, I asked “was there anything else that you liked?” And he said… “I love you.” That was all I needed! There was no way that he could have said that on his own last year on his birthday, but the fact that he said it to me first with out me saying it first was HUGE for him! Those three little words summed up everything for me. Jason too. I am one proud Momma right now!
And with that, I give you the sweetest birthday picture on earth. I posted it above. 🙂 Happy hump day.