A while ago, I did some sole searching.
… for me, it’s not an easy thing to do.
I realized that I was stressing over some things in my life that could easily be remedied, but was sure that it was at a cost.
My conscience was bothering me. This mainly picked up right after Willy’s hospital stay and got progressively worse as time went on.
Over the past couple of years, my people pleasing skills have reached an all time high. And while it was quietly eating away at me, I was starting to wear out. The guilt was always in the air, until one day… I cracked! I remember saying to my husband, “I think it’s time to say goodbye to Mr. And Mrs. X.” In which he retorted with, “Ok.”
What?? “Just like that?” I said
In that brief moment, I saw my husband differently. With his eyes fixated on the tv, he said, “I know it’s hard, but I’m surprised it’s taken you this long to make that decision.” He turned to me and, continued. “Confrontation is not your strong suit, so be careful on how you go about doing this.”
With big eyes, I nodded and left the room.
With good and not so good memories, I considered the options. Years and years of friendship was on the line, but Jason was right… confrontation was, and still is, not my strong suit. I was remembering the last few visits that we had with Mr. and Mrs. X, and all I could remember, was how fake I felt. I felt like I was putting on a show for them, and upping my people pleasing skills to an entirely new level.
It was awful and embarrassing!
I even went as far as using my toothbrush, (fully knowing that I didn’t have any spares in the hall closet, and having to run to the drugstore after they left) to scrub dog poop off of Mr. X’s shoe, because I felt bad that he stepped in dog poop, because of our dog.
Now to me, that’s a whole new level of people pleasing that I’ve never experienced before. It was almost shameful. Ordinarily, I would’ve given him the hose and and probably a plastic fork or knife to scrape off the dog poop from his shoe, but not me. I had to take this to a whole new level! I gave Mr. X a pair of Jason’s crocs, and took his shoe inside, and scrubbed it with my toothbrush in the kitchen sink. I used hot water and soap to get the poop out, and then scrubbed the bottom of his shoe with bleach until it was clean and oder free.
When I brought him back his shoe, I apologized up-and-down. I couldn’t stop apologizing. He told me not to worry about it, but I felt awful! For me this was a whole new low in my people pleasing efforts. I knew I couldn’t go on like this, but I was stuck.
Back to reality!
So as my husband watched TV, I thought about the options that were weighing so heavily on my head. And since I truly hate confrontation, I did what I do best… I ignored things. So that’s exactly what I did. I decided to cut “the problem” out of my life completely, and ignore them. And because social media plays such a big part in our lives now, and you really can’t avoid it, I defriended and blocked them both on Facebook too.
Again, shameful. I know.
Now, you have to realize, this does not happen often. At least not to me. I am not, and I repeat, NOT a cold, rude, and truly terrible person. This decision that I made, came at a price. It was either me faking my way through a dying friendship (which is the same as lying) and letting it eat away at me every time I saw them, or just putting it to rest, pain free… and hoping they wouldn’t notice that I disappeared completely off of the face of the earth and from social media…
The point is, social media is unavoidable. And as long as we have smart phones, internet access, wifi, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, SnapChat, etc., people will continue to take pictures (myself included) post them, and show others what a “good time” they are having, and try not to make other people feel bad for having a good time without them! Because that’s what we’ve all succumbed to. We live or die by what others think of us, and IT’S EXHAUSTING!
Now you might be wondering, did Mr. and Mrs. X ever notice my poor choice in ending a long time friendship? The answer is yes. Yes they did. I got a text a few weeks ago, from Mrs. X wondering why… so I told her. Do I feel awful? Yes. Yes I do. Did it help the situation? No. No it didn’t. I guess it’s another part of “adulting” that I’ll have to learn to maneuver and conquer wholeheartedly now, and not later. I can’t ignore this one.
The moral of this story is: Sometimes, decisions come at a price. In my case, it was my dignity. Avoidance behavior must be rectafied with meaningful conversation, because it wasn’t just my feelings that were hurt, it was two other people. Do/did they stress me out? Yes. Did I ever tell them? No. Could I have gone about this an entirely different way? Probably. Lesson learned. Face and confront things that are bothering you. I don’t seem to have a problem doing this in the workplace or in my family life. So why is this so hard for me to do?