Self-indulgent and self-seeking behavior 


Selfish adjective-devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

This is a word that I am unfamiliar with. 

Selfish. 

I think in my early 20’s I might’ve had a few selfish moments, maybe in my early 30s as well, but besides that… I seem to put everyone else’s needs before my own. And that only makes me selfless. 

EditWhen my son was first diagnosed with autism, I made it a point for the world to see him in a certain way; I wanted them to see what was on the outside first, before they judged what was really going on, on the inside. My son was and still is, very well-dressed. His hair was and still is, always cut and brushed so it’s nice and neat. And because of his outward appearance, I do feel like he was given his fair share of chances at redemption in his earlier years. He was always considered the “cute” one at daycare, and I used to always hear the term “he’s so lucky he’s cute” from various people that have come in and out of his life since. 

On the inside however, he struggled and still does from time to time. But he still remains my kind and loving little boy. Even now as we speak, my little love is the first show me his Zumba moves when I get home from work on Mondays, and even though his speech has improved remarkably, he still sounds like a three-year-old, and gets incredibly frustrated when things don’t go his way or he just doesn’t have to words to vocalize his feelings. 

But even he gets selfish too every now and then. He wants more toys or apps on his iPad, or he strictly wants my attention over my husbands, etc. and he doesn’t care about anybody else or their feelings, when he’s in the “zone” 

I think back then, I used my son as a vehicle for my own selfish needs and/or wants. And who knows, I was probably projecting my own inadequacies onto him without even realizing it. I have toned it down quite a bit now and I know that I cannot change what’s on the inside… but you know what? If I got one magic “do over” and could change it all, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t change or touch a thing. I have such an incredible little boy that I take such pride in, and I look at the progress that he makes every day, and I just know in my heart of hearts, that this and everything that goes along with it… is simply perfect. 

So maybe this is me being selfish. Selfishly involved in a life that it wouldn’t change for anything. 

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