A sad realization

As I was about to put my son on the school bus this morning, he said to me “go to school?” And I said “yep it’s a school day.” And he looked at me sideways and said, “see friends?” I looked at him and said, “uh-huh, you’ll see your friends today.” 

Then I stopped tying his shoes and said quietly, “buddy… who are your friends?”

He just stared at me. So I asked him again. “Willy, who are your friends at school?” And he said after a long pause… “Susie’s my friend.” 

Susie is our home therapist. 

“Anyone else at school kiddo?” I asked with a hopeful sound in my voice?

“Miss. Paula” he said all excited, “and Mommy!!”

I kissed his head and helped him into his raincoat. I sighed a big sigh and fought back tears. My child doesn’t have any friends at school. This makes me sick to my stomach. When he was in preschool, he had two best friends. He was always getting invited to birthday parties and play dates. And now that he’s in a completely different school, in a completely different city, everything has changed… and he doesn’t even realize it. 

Not too long ago I asked his teacher who he likes to play with at recess, so I could possibly set up a play date with one of his classmates. She said that he likes to parallel play next to just about anyone… as long as they are sharing of course. But there isn’t anyone that he would consider a friend. 

Fabulous. Just fabulous!

And to add insult to injury, the other kids don’t seem to show much interest in him either. So I asked our home therapist if there were any kids in his social group that he liked to play with that were around his age. She said that there were, but because of their disabilities, it made managing play dates a little harder. 

… sigh. 

I’m very lucky to have such a wonderful circle of friends who Willy feels comfortable playing with, but it still kills me to hear about their kids having typical play dates with their typical friends/peers, when I’m yet again feeling excluded from that social part of the circle. 

It’s so lonely but I guess it’s something that I’m just going to have to get used to. But in the meantime, Willy will always have his “best girl E” and P by his side for life. And for that I’m incredibly humbled and truly grateful for them. 

But at least he considers me his best friend, and I’ll take that over anything else.  

 My bestie and me. 😎 

Just relax

Today, we are going to focus on just us. Why? Because we deserve it. One of my favorite things to do when I’m feeling extremely stressed out, is guided imagery. To me it’s the ultimate way to relax, and you feel like a million bucks afterwards. I used to do this when I was having trouble sleeping, and it worked like a charm. I hope this works for you too.

I’ve picked a random landscape picture off of the Internet, because it reminds me of a place that I’d like to visit someday. When you use guided imagery, choose a place that makes you feel completely at ease, so it’ll be easier to focus on. Once you choose your picture, use this as your destination; your safe spot. Get comfortable and start taking deep, cleansing breaths.

Ready? Let’s go.

I want you to close your eyes (when you’re finished reading of course), and count backwards from 10 to 1. By the time you reached 1, you should feel relaxed. I want you to imagine that you are in a place of complete and total serenity. Breathe deep. Listen to the sounds around you. Breathe deep. Feel the sun on your face or the water on your skin.

Keep breathing, and choose a focal point. It could be a tree, the ocean, a person, or whatever you choose. Move slowly toward your focal point and embrace it with all of its natural beauties. Try to use all of your five senses to really take your surroundings. Breathe deep. Really feel what your focal point is trying to tell you, and think about how it makes you feel.

Make adjustments if necessary.

Now that you are ready, make yourself even more comfortable. If you are in a field of flowers, run through the field. Feel the soil on your feet and breathe in the heavenly scent in the air. Feel the sun on your face… and don’t forget to breathe. If you are on the beach, feel the sand between your toes, let the cool breeze blow through your hair, and let the sun envelop you completely.

Listen to your surroundings. Are they telling you something? Just let yourself go and let your imagination be your guide. It’s okay, you’re still safe. Keep breathing.

When you are ready, I want you stand up wherever you are, slowly raise your arms over your head, and take one last look at your sanctuary. Take in all of the sites, sounds, and smells that you can, and remind yourself that you can go back anytime you want. Now, I want you to count from 1 to 10, still breathing deep, and feeling a little more awake as you climb up the number latter. When you’ve reached 10, open your eyes.

How do you feel? Relaxed? I hope so. Namaste everyone. And… you’re welcome.

Side effects for everyone

I remember a few years back, I received a frantic phone call at work from my son’s preschool teacher. In her words (not mine), “I’ve never seen anything like this before. It’s like I have to scrape him off of the ceiling.” Ms. N was referring to my son LITERALLY, bouncing off of the walls. He had just started a new ADHD med, and clearly one of the side effects, was “the jitters.” I could tell that Ms. N was feeling a little frantic, so I asked her if there was an OT/PT room available, or use of the gymnasium, so my boy could run off his energy. Luckily there was, and Willy ran, and ran, and ran, until he was pooped out.

I called his doctor immediately when I got home from work, and he and I both agreed that a “stimulant” was definitely not the right course of action for my son. To me, stimulating his brain even more just seemed… wrong, but simply by pure observation, even I could tell that a stimulant wasn’t the right course of action. He needed something more sedating.

So, we tried something else. And we got lucky on the second try, and Willy seemed to respond well to it. But the list of side effects bothered me. Like, really bothered me.

Some of the side effects included: headache, nausea, diarrhea, excessive swallowing/dry mouth, rash, weight gain, flu like symptoms, jitteryness, drowsiness, dizziness, irritability, mood changes, stuffy nose, mild fever, headache, ear pain, and depression. And those were only a few of the side effects! So naturally we watched our son like a hawk. And even though he was only 3 1/2 years old, this medication seemed to agree with him. He was able to slow down, take in his surroundings, figure some things out for himself, and give it the o’l college try, and so many other wonderful things, that after a while, we naturally started to forget about the side effects and we focused on the incredible milestones that he was making. And they really were incredible!

This went on for two years.

Then slowly, we started to see a change in our boy. He wasn’t as sedate as he once was. He was jittery, moody, had highs and lows, and always seemed thirsty. Even his team at school began to notice a change in him. So of course my husband and I were on it, but his doctor seemed to think that he was still doing alright on his current med, and didn’t feel the need to change anything. I mean, why change up something that works, right? (snort)

So we kept at it.

But something still didn’t feel right to me. Maybe it was my mother’s intuition kicking into high gear, but I really believed that his ADHD med just wasn’t working for him anymore. So, I asked the doctor again, “is this med still the right one for my son?” And again, he shot me down. So stupid me, I let him persuade me… again… that this was in fact the right medication for my son, and that changing it up would only “hinder his progress. OY!

Well, in the end, I won! How you may ask? I sought out a new opinion. Sometimes you need to look beyond your comfort zone and seek out help with a fresh set of eyes. And even though this doctor doesn’t really know my son from the next kid, she’s doing her best to get to know him, observe him, and believe it or not… to take her cues from him. HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!! She’s a wonderful new addition to Team Willy, and even though I still respect and thank our old doctor, I still believe that my decision to leave and seek out a new opinion was the right one. It’s a win/win for everyone.

Validation

I remember when I was pregnant with Willy, and I constantly felt like I had to validate every emotion that I ever had with my husband and friends, because I was ridiculously hormonal. I would say things like, “if I wasn’t pregnant would that still bother me?” And my husband and friends would say either “yes” or “no” and I would feel a world better, because I knew that it wasn’t my hormones getting in the way of my decision-making process.

This went on for nine long months.

But after my beautiful boy was born, I still felt the residual hormones pressing on my decision-making abilities. I definitely felt less clouded with emotion, but I still felt unsure on how to deal with it, and how to handle it at times. Now, I do what any adult would do in most situations. I look for the best possible solution, deal with it in the best adult way that I know how, and then if it’s emotional enough… I’ll cry about it after. And sometimes my hip-hugging friend “chocolate” joins me on my road back to sanity.

Yes. I’m a 37-year-old woman who still needs chocolate to put a Band-Aid on the end result. The best thing of all, is that chocolate doesn’t judge. Chocolate doesn’t lie, chocolate likes to be shared with others, and if you ask Siri what the meaning of life is, she’ll most likely tell you that “everything ends with chocolate.” Well, my Siri does anyway (giggle).

But am I just pacifying my ideas and values with the thought of not getting the validation that I need? Probably. And what about my son? Right now, at this very moment son need someone to advocate for him. He needs someone to help validate his feelings, emotions, and even translate some of his sentences, because not too many people speak “Willy-nese.” My boy’s ADHD is crippling, his anxiety seems to take on a life of it’s own, and his Autism doesn’t help make either one of those above diagnosis easier to deal with. So, what’s a girl to do in order to help her boy feel like he matters?

Repetition. With the help of a good team of therapists, and teachers, my son is learning to speak up, be heard, and feel validated (without chocolate). He tries so hard and when he succeeds, it’s practically written all over his face. His smile tells you everything that you need to know, and the fact that he just exudes positive energy, makes me feel like everything is going to be alright. I’m starting to get the feeling that I can let go just a little, step back, and see what happens. He knows that I’ll always be there for him, his dad too, but just giving him a little more independence is going to make all the difference.

Happy hump day everyone.

A short leave of absence

Hi friends,

I just want to let all of you know that I am taking a short leave of absence for a couple of weeks. I have some personal things that need to be sorted through and it requires 100% of my attention. Thank you for understanding and please know that I’ll be thinking about you. Thank you for being such loyal readers and I will be back in a couple of weeks. But in the meantime be well, love and respect one another, and remember hug your babies everyday.

See you soon
Jill and Willy

A one-woman side show

I felt like one-woman side show this past weekend, and the fact that it was apparently written all over my face, without me even saying anything… well, it says a lot. Like the day I had yesterday, for example. I felt like all I needed was a big circus tent, a megaphone, a stool, a spotlight, and a tall skinny man shouting “come one, come all! See the woman who’s loosing her stuffing one instance after another! Watch her hair turn gray before your very eyes! Watch her stress eat and collapse under pressure! YES-SIR-EE, watch this woman loose her mind, for FREEEEEE!

Okay, I admit it sounds a little eccentric, but that’s honestly how I felt yesterday. My poor boy was just having a bad couple of days, and the fact that there was nothing I could do to help him, made me awful inside. Tantrum after tantrum made it impossible to go anywhere or do anything, and when I called his doctor in desperate need of help, he told me to give him a hot bath. “It’ll relax him” he said.

Yeah right!! I was so pissed!

And even some pampering (something I never get to do) couldn’t even be enjoyed, because my husband kept texting me, asking for help, because he was in desperate need of it. I don’t blame him.

As I wrote to his teacher this morning to let her know about his weekend and what to possibly expect for today, I though back and felt awful about how I handed a few of the tantrums. For us, it got to the point of me or my husband just sending him to his room, because he was just so inconsolable. And then, trying to just “love” him to death afterwards. I know… very un-BT like of me, but when your lost and desperate, you’ll try just about everything and anything to help get your kid back to his “happy place.”

You know what I mean?

So as I sit here, fighting a loosing battle with a potential cold, I am just shaking my head with absolute disbelief. I am not throwing in the towel or anything like that, I’m just done at the moment. I even wished his teacher “good luck” today. What I really wanted to do this morning, was put a bottle of wine for her and Willy’s backpack with a nite that read, “you’ll be needing this later’l but that just seemed a tad inappropriate, don’t you think?

Lol. ☺️ Happy Monday everyone. May this week bring you happiness and sunshine, and if you celebrate Rosh Hashanah, happy new year to you and your loved ones.

See you tomorrow. Peace out.

Blogs that inspire me

A while ago, I had my husband proof read a post that I had written. As he was reading, he stopped in mid sentence, looked up at me and said, “Jill, this has nothing to do with special needs or parenting.” I was aware of that, but I told him that “I try to cover all of my bases here, and the fact that I’m not always in crisis is a good thing! I don’t know about you, but if your constantly reading about a person’s life; one crisis after another, it gets boring and a little redundant after a while, and eventually… you stop reading. I am guilty of that very action, but in hindsight, I have discovered some pretty incredible blogs along the way that I thought I’d share with you. They range from cooking, to parenting, to relationships. So, I figured that I would share with all of you what I am reading and what inspires me. And in return, you can share with me what you are reading.

Sound fair?

I thought so. So, here are some of my favorite blogs that I subscribe to.

Enjoy and I look forward to hearing about what your reading.

* Love and Lemons http://www.loveandlemons.com
This blog has wonderful recipes for the change of seasons, and these recipes are healthy, easy to make, and are definitely reader friendly. The pictures are beautiful and everything looks so yummy!

* The Bloggess http://www.thebloggess.com
This woman is a trip and I LOVE her attitude. Thats all I’m gonna say! There is some strong language used, so if your easily offended, than this blog probably isn’t for you. But I can guarantee a smile with every one of her posts.

*Kveller http://www.kveller.com/mayim-bialik/
I like this blog for many reasons, but the main reason is that Mayim Bialik has shed her “Blossom” and Amy Farrah Fowler characters, and lets her opinions run wild! You obviously may not agree with everything that she has to say, but she does make some pretty fair points, like her latest entry: Why my son’s and I hate the movie “Frozen.” Give it a whirl. You might be glad you did.

* Sex Nerd Sandra http://www.sexnerdsandra.com
You can also listen to her podcasts on “I heart radio” as well. Sandra Daugherty is an educator and “nerdist” who talks not only about sex, but she dives into relationships, monogamy, body image, self help, men, women, courses that you can take, and so much more. She has some amazing guests on her podcasts, and she’s just all around entertaining.

On a personal note: I just wanted to point out, that just because your child or a child that you know has a disability, your life does not need to revolve around it. You need to laugh out loud, learn, and embrace a world of your own. A world where children/spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends are not allowed. A world where you are free to indulge in anything you want, and not have to feel guilty or silly about it. So, if you get inspired by anything that you read here today, YAY YOU! It’s a start, right? And because you are feeling inspired, and you feel the need to go out, let your hair down, and do something totally and completely awesome, give me a shout out. I’d love to hear about it.

A little nostalgia never hurt anyone

I don’t know about you, but every now and then I need a really good laugh. I have always been a HUGE fan of the Muppets ever since I was a little girl, and every Sunday night at 7:00 O’clock sharp, I would sit with my mom and dad, and we would all watch the Muppet Show together. I distinctly remember watching the episodes with Elton John, Brooke Shields, and Harry Belafonte, and listening to my dad tell me that they were BIG, BIG stars. I wasn’t exactly sure what that meant back then, but I certainly do now.

So, even to this day when I need a good a laugh or a pick-me-up, I’ll watch a short Muppet clip, or if I have time, a 30 minute episode. And it always brings a smile to my face with a laugh out loud moment for me. I recently found this clip of Beaker singing “Ode to Joy,” and it just made me laugh! I think I might have even snorted, but I can’t be sure. So, enjoy this clip and maybe watch it with your kids. Starting a feel good tradition with them can go a long, long way. 🙂

Do-overs

I’m sure we’ve all thought about this at one time or another, but have you ever wanted a “do-over?” Meaning, if you could do it all over again, would you? Or would you keep things exactly the same? Sometimes I think about an alternate universe where “what if’s” could actually be seen, so it would cut our decision making process in half.

It reminds me of the Gwyneth Paltrow movie “Sliding Doors.” Her life literally hangs in the balance on wether she makes her train on time or not. It shows you both universes. It shows you her “what if’s.” It’s an incredible movie, because either way, her life will take a drastic turn, and it makes you wonder… was it a good thing that she missed her train, or bad? I highly suggest seeing it.

I sometimes think about wanting a do-over, for the sheer brilliance that it is. I wonder, what would have happened if I had actually submitted my application to the Peace Corps after graduating from college. Would I be here teaching right now? Or would I be living somewhere exotic, helping people in a community somewhere, and living a completely different life? Would I have ever met my husband or best friend J? Would there even be a Willy? Little things like that, I try not to think about, accept their like a big pink elephant in the room sometimes.

But the biggest “do-over” that I wonder about would have be Willy and his plethora of issues. Now, I know that all if his little quirks and preciousness makes him who he is, and I simply love all of it, but if I was able to to get a glimpse into his future a few years from now…

I just wonder.

I imagine that one day, Willy and I will have a sit-down conversation about his differences. I imagine that he will ask me why he is different from others. I imagine the strength that it’ll take for me not to cry and cradle him in my arms, and tell him that his life will be consistent with frustration and anxiety. I can tell him that he will overcome all of his obstacles, but it’ll take everything that he has to pull through. I imagine our conversation going south (not the way I’d like it to go), simply because his feelings will be hurt long before our conversation even occurs. I imagine that others will point out his differences for him, and he’ll be left alone wondering why? I imagine him sticking up for himself, but not without some perpetration before hand.

And as I sit here watching my precious boy eat his dinner, on the floor, in front if the tv, because he asked for a picnic, I fight the tears and swallow hard as I ask myself the age old question: if I had the chance for a “do-over,” would I take it? And my answer is… ABSOLUTELY NOT! My boy made me who I am today. Willy has changed my life in a way that can’t even be explained. He is the reason why I get up everyday, breath in and out, and have the courage to chug on. He has taught me so much about patience and love. He is the reason why I was born!

I wouldn’t change my life for anything. Not a single, solitary, thing.

where were you on 9/11?

If you ask just about anybody where they were on the day the twin towers went down in New York City, and the plane crash in the Pentagon in Washington DC on September 11, 2001, I am sure that they could give you a detailed encounter of where they were and what they were doing at that exact moment. I know I can. Some people can even remember what they were wearing that day, what they had for breakfast, and all of the sequenced events that led up to the horrific tragedy that we all remember like it was yesterday.

I still to this day shake my head in disbelief. At the time, it seemed like anyone who was anyone knew someone who was directly affected by it. Like, for instance, I worked with this guy, who’s best friend worked in one of the towers, but decided to play hokey that day and went fishing instead of going to work. If he had gone to work, then he most likely wouldn’t be here today.

And I personally know someone who was standing in the lobby of one of the buildings, who was waiting for an appointment. He suddenly felt the ground shake and he went with his gut feeling and ran! out if the building and took cover near by. He’s still not the same today though. That’s how shook-up he was.

Now it’s 13 years later and what do we have to say for ourselves?

Hummmmm… that’s what I thought.

As parents, all we wanna do is protect our children. As educators, we want our students and their families to feel as safe as possible in an educational environment. And we have all gone through extraordinary measures to ensure maximin safety; lock down procedures, codes, etc. But what does this all mean?

I know that things will never be quite the same as they once were, but it’s up to us to teach our children, and educate them on their nations history. And how will we go about doing that? With a lot of TLC and a lot of understanding. Teach our children to forgive, but never forget. Teach them tolerance and acceptance, but never one-sidedness. Teach them to be open minded, and not negative. Teach them the power of their voices, because they are our future. And most importantly, teach our children to respect one another. Because without it, their futures will be narrow and bleak.